


Daisy, Daisy

by MiraMira



Category: 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968), Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Artificial Intelligence, Crack, Crossover, Gen, Horror, Humor, Magic, One Shot, School, Technology, Villains, Wordcount: 1.000-3.000
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-03
Updated: 2011-10-03
Packaged: 2017-10-24 06:43:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/260285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MiraMira/pseuds/MiraMira
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Heuristically-enchanted ArithmanticaL computer was supposed to make Hogwarts safer.  Emphasis on "supposed to."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Daisy, Daisy

**Author's Note:**

> Written for a Hogwarts Elite contest. Somehow manages _not_ to be the [crackiest crossover](http://archiveofourown.org/works/19794) I've ever written. (By a [long shot](http://archiveofourown.org/works/82291).)

It took about five hours into Neville’s captivity for the plants to realize he was trapped. This was particularly impressive considering it had taken Neville himself three, and a good portion of the intervening two hours had been devoted to reassuring himself that at least he wasn’t in danger of suffocation or starvation rather than formulating an escape plan. But by the time the Devil’s Snare wrapped a tendril around his ankle and began dragging him purposefully toward the Venomous Tentacula patch, he’d already decided he couldn’t afford to outwait his captor.

This was all Dennis’s fault, he reflected as he hacked away at the vine with his otherwise useless wand. Once he got out of here and dealt with the immediate problem, he was going to kill the Muggle Studies professor. Assuming, of course, that Dennis wasn’t already dead. The warning Patronus he’d sent might simply have cut out when the anti-magic field kicked in, but the panicked squeal with which it had terminated struck Neville as ominous.

And to think, the original intention had been to make Hogwarts _safer_.

“I know most of you aren’t aware of the latest developments in chizpurfle-resistant technology or the resulting advances in Muggle-magical hybrid devices beyond the portable WWN devices you’ve had to confiscate when students bring them to class,” Dennis had explained at that fateful staff meeting a year ago, to knowing chuckles. “But trust me when I say that what Chandra and Langley are proposing by offering us the practical results of their research represents a remarkable opportunity. The Heuristically-enchanted ArithmanticaL computer has the potential to save us countless hours of house elf and caretaker labor by monitoring and alerting us to problems as they arise: that is, the ones it can’t handle itself. And in the event of a major security issue…”

“Something I hope none of us will need to experience again during our tenure here,” Headmistress McGonagall broke in sharply.

“As do we all, I’m sure,” Dennis agreed, focusing a bit longer on Neville than the others as he glanced around the table seeking affirmation. “But _should_ the worst happen, wouldn’t we want it said that we did all we could to ensure the safety of Hogwarts’ students and staff? I know I’m not exactly unbiased on the subject, but…” He paused to swallow, a measure which did not prevent his voice from growing increasingly choked as he went on. “I think it would be a fitting tribute to the friends and—and loved ones lost that night.”

Privately, Neville wondered whether Colin would have approved of his memory being used in such a fashion, or the frequency with which Dennis seemed to call upon said memory when his recommendations met with resistance. But the plea appeared to be having the desired effect on the Headmistress, whose efforts to bring a wayward strand of hair back in line were being interrupted by a suspicious amount of dabbing at her eyes.

“Very well, Dennis. But I feel we should test the system in some of the outer buildings before bringing it into the castle proper. The greenhouses, perhaps. That is, assuming Neville has no objections?”

Dennis’s eager, hopeful expression bore a painful resemblance to the one his brother had worn so often, and Neville reminded himself that just because Gran had raised him to endure misfortune stoically didn’t make it the only way to grieve. “I suppose it’s all right with me.”

He’d had second thoughts almost immediately once the thing was installed. The bulk of the machine had been housed elsewhere, and the interface panel was unobtrusive enough, but… “Does it have to glow red like that?” he asked Dennis.

“Side effect of the spells,” Dennis said with a shrug, apologetic but otherwise unperturbed.

“Please don’t be alarmed, Professor Longbottom.” Even after recovering from his initial shock, it took Neville a second to realize the unfamiliar voice had issued from the computer. It was softer and more pleasant than he’d anticipated, though still with a clear mechanical undertone. “My instructor, Mr. Langley, taught me a song to help put people at their ease. If you’d like to hear it, I can sing it for you.”

“That’s—that’s all right, er—HAL,” stammered Neville, a touch too loudly. While the abbreviation was certainly less of a mouthful than Hexagramatically-enchanted Whatever, so far it was not having the intended effect in terms of getting Neville to view the device as more human. He drew Dennis away from the camera’s red eye and whispered, “I didn’t realize they’d already turned it on.”

“Me neither,” Dennis confessed. For the first time, Neville thought he detected a flash of nervousness, but it vanished too quickly for him to be sure. “That’s good, though! The more time HAL has to learn about Hogwarts’ operations and interact with us, the more effective he’ll be. I’m sure you two will be old friends soon enough.”

They’d never gotten to that point, though Neville had gradually begun referring to the computer as “he.” And while he’d rolled his eyes a bit at Dennis’s insistence that he treat HAL like a colleague rather than a tool or a house elf, he had to admit that hearing his first name in HAL’s voice had a much more reassuring effect than “Professor Longbottom.” He’d even taken HAL up on an offer to play Exploding Snap a few times, though the novelty wore off quickly once he realized that HAL was not only incapable of losing but of handling his own cards, which meant Neville got the full impact of both sets of explosions.

From a maintenance and security standpoint, though, HAL was everything Dennis had promised and more. If nothing else, his presence served as an effective deterrent with the students, whose good behavior seemed directly correlated with how well they could see HAL from where they were sitting. The Headmistress was so impressed when she stopped by for a classroom inspection that she approved installing HAL throughout the entire school at year’s end without even putting the matter to a staff vote.

Instead, it was Dennis whose enthusiasm seemed to wane. One particularly blustery afternoon in April, he knocked on the greenhouse door, beaming as though he’d been hit with a barrage of Cheering Charms.

“Fancy a walk?” he asked, jerking his head in the direction of the Forbidden Forest.

Neville took one look outside and raised an eyebrow at Dennis in reply. This only prompted Dennis’s grin to turn more manic. After a moment of critical appraisal, Neville cast an Impervius Charm and wrapped a scarf around his neck before following Dennis out into the wind and rain.

Sure enough, once they were under the cover of the trees, Dennis’s expression turned grim. “HAL’s finished an initial security analysis.”

“And?” Neville prompted, when no elaboration proved forthcoming.

“I’m not sure. I’m having trouble getting details out of him. He just keeps repeating that he won’t allow anything to jeopardize the safety of the school.”

At this point, Neville was thoroughly confused. “Isn’t that what he’s supposed to be doing?”

Dennis shook his head. “I don’t know. Something about it just…look, do me a favor, all right? Keep an eye out for any unusual behavior from him. Be discreet about it, but if anything seems strange to you—anything at all—let me know. Promise?”

“I promise,” said Neville, a little surprised to find himself more concerned for Dennis than about HAL.

If Dennis heard any doubt in Neville’s tone, though, he didn’t acknowledge it. “Good,” was all he said. Then he put a finger to his lips, plastered a smile back on his face, and walked back toward Hogwarts whistling a jaunty tune. Neville hurried to keep up.

HAL didn’t inquire about the incident, and Dennis didn’t allude to it at subsequent mealtimes or staff meetings, so Neville did his best to put it out of his mind. Still, a month later when HAL began to insist that a plot of Shrinking Violets needed more water right after Neville had nearly drowned them, he dutifully reported the malfunction.

“Hmm,” Dennis frowned. He looked more perplexed than concerned, though, which relieved any lingering anxiety on Neville’s part. Whatever had prompted the initial paranoia, it seemed to have worked itself out. “I’ll look into it.”

Another two weeks went by with no further updates, and Neville concluded that there truly was nothing to fear. Until this afternoon, when Dennis’s border collie Patronus had burst in and demanded to know where he was.

“The greenhouses. Why?” he’d responded.

Dennis’s answer was some time in coming, so the urgency in his voice gave Neville even more of a start than it would otherwise have done. “Get out! No time to argue, just…oh, no point in trying to be secretive. You’re in danger. We’re all in danger. Or rather, HAL thinks _we’re_ the danger. To keep the school safe, he—”

That was the point at which the Patronus had cut out.

Which brought Neville back to his present predicament. Snapping a Fanged Geranium off its stem, he applied it to the Devil’s Snare, which withdrew at the bite. Before it could regain its grasp, he bolted for the exit, clawing desperately at the glass and casting futile Alohomora after Alohomora.

Out of the corner of his eye, he could see the red orb of the camera watching him impassively. For an instant, he contemplated turning his destructive efforts on it instead. But to truly put a stop to the threat, he needed to escape. Besides, there was still the chance, however small, that Dennis was wrong. Maybe this could still be solved reasonably.

“Open the greenhouse doors, HAL!” he cried.

“I’m sorry, Neville,” came the reply, with perfect and terrible calm. “I’m afraid I can’t do that.”


End file.
